Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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