I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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