I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
