yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
