So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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