Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
