the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
