now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think I won the penis lottery.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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