why didn't you poke me back
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize