Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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