It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
