you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
