matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
