There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
