Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
