Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize