I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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