the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he thought i was a dude.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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