I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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