ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
