Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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