I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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