Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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