I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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