Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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