i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
