So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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