i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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