Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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