didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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