I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
