I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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