I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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