Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize