around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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