I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
