I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
