Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
