what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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