I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize