I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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