I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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