My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
