Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
