We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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