pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
