im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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