I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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