I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
