I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
