I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
