Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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