I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
