I'd wear matching sweaters with you
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Help me help you realize you are a moron
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
