I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
