So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
