U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
