A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
