I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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