I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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