Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
