She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
